How I'm Feeling Today: Day 8

[trayertrash]

This is going to be a really serious one, but I really need to get things off my chest.

In 2005, my friend Matt died in a car accident. When he died, it was like half the school acted like they were his best friend even though they didn't even talk to him. We didn't have the same friends, but after his death, we all were there for each other the first few months. Slowly, everyone just stopped talking to each other. I guess life just drifted us all apart. For me, I stopped talking to them because the constant reminder that Matt was gone was too hard to deal with. I knew they had only befriended me because of his death; if he were still alive, I would've still been just another face in the hall to them. I couldn't go to his hang out spot before school started, it wasn't right or fair that he wasn't there. Every morning after his death, we'd pour a orange Crush, his favorite drink. I don't recall who started it, but it eventually became tradition. 

A few of those people added me on facebook throughout the years, and last week, we all decided to have a meet up, which was last night. So at dinner, we were all talking, we all bought pictures & notes & shit & laughed our asses off at their cheesiness. I was kind of shocked no one but me had any pictures of Matt. I was even more shocked when everyone pretty much said they had forgotten about him. Maybe I was closer to him or it stuck with me harder or they forgot as a coping mechanism, but it really upset me when I heard that. He was such a wonderful guy and... for his friends to forget about him.., it just hurts.

We went by our old school after dinner & we all said a few words & took turns pouring out the orange Crush. Mostly everyone said something along the lines of "You were a great guy, I miss you, hope you're having fun in heaven" When it was my turn, I didn't want to stop talking. I think I talked for at least a hour, sharing every memory I had of him. His rosy cheeks that never went away. The way he would awfully dance and sing every morning, his obsession with candy & a lot of our fun times. I had written a lot after he died, but I never really talked about him. I listened to a lot of people talk about him, but I just couldn't get the words out before. It was this huge relief to just get all these emotions out.

When we did the final pour, one of the guys told me that Matt had a huge crush on me & the day he died, he was over at his house & all he did was say how much he wanted to ask me out. He told Matt to tell me then, but Matt was nervous. I called him & asked if he wanted to hang out because there was a huge fight at home & I needed to get out for a few hours. Him & Matt were on the phone the whole time he was coming to get me & he said Matt was so excited/nervous he started speeding up because he didn't want to lose his courage. Matt told him he had an incoming call from me & he was going to take it. It was the last he had heard from him. He never answered his phone when I called...

I've always carried a lot guilt with me over his death. If I hadn't asked him to come over, he would've never died. It wasn't until the past 2 years or so that I finally stopped blaming myself, but now.. how can I not? Those few seconds he took to look at his phone & try to switch to my call killed him. No one else was involved in his wreck, there were no drunk drivers or someone speeding, he was speeding & he was distracted by something else. Seriously, I love the people on this site a lot & I don't want to lose any of you. Please, if you drive, just be careful. If you're in the car with someone texting or speeding or something, please speak up. One call or one text isn't worth risking your life over.