trayertrash

So, I wanted to make my first blog something personal. Knowing me, it'll be a hot mess of emotions, flash backs in my time lime, confusing, and a big rant. I'm kind of an emotional wreck right now, so I just need to let some things out. Â My family & I aren't on good terms right now and Gaga is the only thing helping, so it'll probably end up an appreciation towards her while ranting about my family. Bare with me. I'm a hot mess right now. I promise my future blogs won't be as emotional as this one and they will be wonderful filled with music and love and laughter and happiness. To be honest, I'll always be bitter towards the fact that I didn't have Gaga growing up. I know it wasn't her fault, but to know all these kids have her to look up to, yet are completely ungrateful and blind to her message really pisses me off. To have songs like Hair, Born This Way, Bad Kids, No Floods, & The Queen in my life during middle/high school would have been revolutionary. To have someone tell me I'm not a freak, that I was born this way would've really helped out my confidence and my identity. Instead, I was mocked for my sexuality and my beliefs- or lack of beliefs, on a daily basis. I didn't have anyone tell me it was okay. I didn't have anyone tell me they believed in me. I didn't have much of an inspiration. At the time, I looked up to Judy Garland, but she never really talked about sexuality since it wasn't really 'ok' to do at the time. I mainly looked up to her because she was as depressed and fucked up as I was. To have one person for one second tell me that I'm not plagued with some demon or some mental disorder... It would have saved my life. I can't listen to Hair without breaking down, ever. I know a lot of people hate on it and think it's cheesy, but the 15 year old in me needs it. "In the morning, I'm short of my identity, I scream mom and dad why can't I be who I wanna be? I just wanna be myself, and I want you to love me for who I am, I just wanna be myself and I want you to know, I am my hair." "I've had enough, I'm not a freak," - "Don't wanna change, and I don't wanna be ashamed, I'm the spirit of my hair, it's all the glory that I bare." A big part of what I did at the time was experimenting with myself. The way I looked, the way I acted, how I dressed, I tried to make suttle changes everyday. It could be as simple as wearing a certain pair of socks certain shirt, or, if I felt extremely empowered (aka extremely pissed off at my parents), I'd dye my hair or cut it. I needed to express myself somehow, no matter how small it was. I was always true to myself, but I wasn't to find my identity, you know? My parents were never super super religious. We had to go to church every Sunday, but honestly, it was more so they could go fuck off rather than them caring about religion. Plus, if we went to church, the church would help them out. My parents weren't too hard on me. My mom didn't really care what I did, but she wasn't really a lot, she felt bad about not being in our lives every day, so I think that's mostly why she tried not to pick fights. My father... that's a whole other story in itself. I hate referring to him by the f word, he never was one. He abused and neglected us. He was a fucked up person who did a lot of fucked up things to us. He would mock me on a daily basis. It wasn't the fun kind of joking, it was cruel, and he knew it was. Nicole, his wife, was even worse, but this is straying off topic. I could talk about them for days. Fucking ass holes. Anyway, I love my mom, she's a decent person now, and we're kind of close, but she wasn't there. She never told me it was ok to be myself, never said she loved me, never encouraged me. I think I would rather have had her disapproval than her not speak at all. So, when I was at church, I was always ignored by most people. The kids didn't like me because I was weird, and the Sunday school teacher, though nice, didn't really know 'how to handle me'. I always questioned everything they taught, always wanted to know why God did something, why this happened etc etc. When I got older, I started going to church just to get away from myself. School was hell. I was outed by someone I had been with for 4 years. We kept our relationship between us out of fear. Her parents were, well are, extremely homophobic. Mine aren't really, my brother is gay and he's 100% accepted, but my sister is bi and they used to make remarks behind her back about how she needed to pick a team or she only said she was bi because she was a slut & shit like that. I wasn't a slut, I wasn't confused, and I didn't want to pick a team. I knew I liked girls years before I knew I liked guys, I hated the part of me that liked guys. I knew they'd accept me more if I were lesbian than bi. Back to the outing. This girl denied our entire relationship. She said she only pretended to go out with me as a joke. Her & her boyfriend made a bet that I was a lesbian and she wanted to see how long it would go... Yet we had messed around 100s of times, I knew more about her than her boyfriend did, we helped each other through a lot of shit, had snuck over to each others house in the middle of the night just to hold hands... yet she was straight... and it was a joke.... riiiiiiiight. The only reason she outed me was because she wanted to run away and get married. Hell yeah I wanted to get away from that town, I wanted to marry her one day, I wanted to be able to tell everyone that we were together, but there was no way I was moving 5 states away without a job, license or any direction. I wasn't going to move there just end up homeless. I wanted to give her a good future. I don't regret it though. I know I was the smart one, I know everything I left behind with her was for the better. I'm not happy, in love, engaged to a wonderful man, and in a better place in life than I could have ever dreamed of. My thoughts are a mess right now. Half of this probably doesn't make sense, oh well. I just need to release it & rant shit out that I've been holding in for years. I'm so thankful to have Gaga in my life, even if it wasn't during my darkest days. I'm glad to have her on days like today where I can look back, know I'm stronger, and not regret anything in life.