So, I've been depressed for 4 years it started in 6th grade and the darkest it was was in 7th grade when I realized I was gay and had my first crush. In 7th I would spend all day listening to music really sad I almost commuted suicide twice not too many people know. I essentially had pills in my hand and was about to swallow them but the crush kept me going in a way. Then in 8th grade I got happier but still was extremely depressed (my family doesn't know) In the summer, before high school, I had this school program thingy it was like orientation but it lasted 6 weeks. So it was in July and I was very very down that day and I had everything set up when I got home my plan was to slit my wrists get in the bath and take pills as well too make sure I was dead and done with. But, that same day this kid told me something basically to take off my headphones and to talk too people otherwise I'd never make a friend. I can say I was grateful for that because, like a few mins. later there was this boy waiting for his ride outside of school (it reminded me of how I met my first crush) I really wanted to avoid conversation but I remembered what the kid said and thought to myself "Why not, I've got nothing to lose today is my last day anyway" Obviously, I'm still alive but as soon as I talked to him it's like all my sadness went away I felt amazing and happy I hadn't felt like that for awhile now. So we became friends and once the school year started we made some new friends we would still hang out but not as much eventually over fucking text I told him I had a crush on him. Fortunate for me, I got rejected beautifully. We're still friends currently but once he told me no it's like I was relived cause I knew my depressed ass would've not been good for him for that I was grateful. Currently I'm a sophomore and I thought I was finally happy when I recently cane to the realization that I'm not actually happy. I realized that I've become this person who I hate and since I told my friend about my crush my sadness had in fact been amplified. So, right now I can feel myself slowly losing my emotions and I know in order to get better I have to cut off all of my bad friends. This task is incredibly daunting me for me cause I'm attached to them and nearly 99% of them are bad. I cried today for the first time in 1 year. I hate crying I always try to hold it in. I'm only really myself when I'm with him I feel happy when I'm with him. My best friend we'll call her Daisy. So, most of my other friends have been mean to daisy even though they hang out they're pretty mean. Me and daisy are good friends I would say I reassure her she's notta fake bitch. But recently, she's been avoiding me essentially ghosting me she almost basically ignored my existence in the summer. By the way my depression is getting worse I think I'm going through another episode I call them. After I told my crush I've had some real happiness that lasts only for days. The majority of these other days I feel neutral not much emotion. But every once on a while I'll be severely depressed for weeks or even months on end. Today, I considered and almost attempted to kill myself with a belt. I can say my depression has gotten better but it's still very bad I hope I'll get better soon I'm not sure I can survive another 3 year severe depressive state I barley made it out alive last time by sheer luck. That's my long story I'm happy to take questions. Sorry for the length
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